Domestic Violence: How Counselling Can Help

Unfortunately, domestic violence is very prevalent in our society in Australia. Maybe it always has been, and today there is simply more awareness and knowledge about what domestic violence can look like.

No matter who you are, domestic violence is not okay.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, counselling can help in a number of ways.

1. Validation

If you are seeing a domestic-violence-aware counsellor—someone who is trained in this space, and who understands the dynamics of domestic violence—they can hopefully recognise the situation for what it is and name it for what it is.

Domestic violence is not okay.

You don't have to be hit for it to be domestic violence.

Domestic violence is about power and control, and this can look like many things. It can involve controlling your money, who you see, what you wear or where you go. It can involve intimidation, such as blocking doorways, raising their voice, shoving or using looks or gestures to make you afraid.

It can include emotional and psychological abuse, name-calling, putting you down, making you think you are "crazy", manipulating you, confusing you or continually blaming you rather than taking responsibility for their behaviour.

It can also include sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse does not only mean being physically forced into something sexual. It can also involve pressure and coercion. Perhaps you say no to sex and your partner responds with anger, gives you the silent treatment, withdraws affection or otherwise punishes you for saying no. Over time, you may begin to feel that saying no isn't really an option.

Having someone who understands domestic violence can help you recognise these behaviours for what they are, particularly when you have been living with them for a long time and have begun to question your own experience.

2. Clarity and perspective

Domestic violence thrives in darkness and confusion.

Counselling can help to shine a light on that darkness. You have someone you can trust to walk beside you and talk about what is going on behind closed doors.

When you are in the middle of a situation, it can be incredibly difficult to see it clearly. You may minimise what is happening, make excuses for the other person or wonder whether you are the problem.

An informed counsellor can help you look at what domestic violence actually is and provide psychoeducation around red flags, power and control, coercion and what a healthy relationship looks like.

Are they making you afraid with their looks or gestures?

Do they regularly call you names or put you down?

Do they make you feel like you are crazy or that you can't trust your own perception of what is happening?

Do they blame you for their behaviour?

Do they refuse to take responsibility?

Do they confuse or manipulate you?

Talking about these things with someone outside of the situation can help you gain perspective and clarity.

Spiritual abuse

For Christian women, there can sometimes be another layer of confusion when faith is used to justify abusive behaviour.

A Christian husband may use Bible verses to justify his behaviour or blame his wife. He may tell her that she has to forgive him, even though his behaviour does not change. He may tell her that she has to stay because God put them together. He may focus on the instruction for a wife to submit while leaving out the call for a husband to love his wife sacrificially—to lay down his life for her.

Faith should never be used to excuse abuse.

Forgiveness does not mean that abusive behaviour is okay, nor does it mean that you have to remain in an unsafe situation.

Talking about these things with someone outside the situation can help you begin to see reality more clearly. You can explore what is happening without having someone tell you that you are imagining it, overreacting or failing in your faith.

3. Counselling can help you regain hope

Domestic violence can take away your confidence, your sense of self and your hope for the future.

Counselling can help you begin to regain hope, often by identifying your strengths and recognising what you have already been through and overcome.

Sometimes, hope starts with simply recognising: I have survived this.

It can be about reconnecting with the parts of yourself that may have been lost or pushed aside and beginning to see that life can be different.

And for women of faith, hope can also come from Jesus.

Jesus said:

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
— John 8:32

Sometimes, when you have lived in confusion for a long time, beginning to recognise the truth of what is happening can be an important part of healing.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, please reach out

If you are struggling with domestic violence, please reach out to a trusted person.

You can contact 1800RESPECT, DVConnect Womensline if you are in Queensland, your local domestic violence service, the police, or a counsellor who is trained and experienced in domestic violence.

Unfortunately, a number of women have had bad experiences in their church when they have tried to get help. This can be incredibly painful, particularly when you have turned to people you expected to support you.

There are, however, some domestic-violence-aware pastors and churches who understand the seriousness of abuse and can provide safe and appropriate support.

In Queensland, Victim Assist Queensland may also be able to provide financial assistance to eligible victims of violent crime (including domestic vioence and sexual assault survivors).

If you are in immediate danger, call 000.

And if you have had a bad experience when trying to get help, please try again.

Many people understand domestic violence and want to help. However, there are still people who victim-blame or who, intentionally or unintentionally, collude with the perpetrator.

You deserve to be heard.

You deserve to be believed.

This is not your fault. Domestic violence is not okay.

You don't have to walk through it alone.

How For The One Counselling Can Help

At For The One Counselling, I provide compassionate, trauma-informed counselling for women across Australia, including women experiencing or recovering from domestic violence.

You don't have to know exactly what you need before reaching out. We can start where you are.

If you would like to explore whether counselling could be helpful for you, I invite you to get in touch.

Contact

✉️ info@fortheonecounselling.com.au

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